Battle.

What a dream I had last night. Perhaps it was because I wrote a post about you last night that made you appear in my dream. I can still see every single thing vividly.

There were you, trying the very best of you to confess and everything. You seemed hurt, so much. But then there was me, trying to avoid you the best that I can. I was literally running away from you. While all my friends are telling me to accept you, I didn't.

There was a scene where I was in the library, then I saw you and your sister. But you both didn't see me. So I thought of running very far away from you guys. Until I suddenly met her at some sort of a cafe. I tried to not make it so obvious, hence I made some little useless conversation with her. And then I asked her of who she is with. Before she could answer, there were you, right behind me. I saw you and greeted, then make an excuse, walking away. I could tell that your heart was bleeding, yet I don't know why I couldn't stop my feet from walking away. I was crying so badly, yet I didn't know why I couldn't turn around.

There were so many scenes more, but it was only this that I could recall clearly. Somehow this dream seemed real. It was so real, I nearly cried when I got up. It feels like a blade is cutting through my heart to know that it is the reason for your heart to bleed as well. Yet I felt so helpless since it won't do anything to stop the bleeding.

You may say that it must be easy for me to walk away. But do you have any idea how hard it is for a person to fight every cells of her own which are assaulting to go and hug you and squeeze you and never let go? Do you have any idea how hard it is for a person to make up her own mind, asking her heart if this feeling she's feeling is true and if it will stay there permanently or is it just paying the heart a little visit? Do you have any idea how hard it is for a person to resist and stay quiet instead of following the whispering voices in her mind that keeps on telling her to go and live by you even for just a little moment? Do you have any idea how hard it is for a person to keep on telling herself to never fall for the deceiving thoughts of hers because she knows she might punches more holes into your heart if she follows them? Do you have any idea how hard it is for me to be struggling every second I live, every breathe I take? Do you have any idea how hard this is for me too?

I am bad and mean and cruel and nasty for leaving. But I couldn't bare watching myself committing mistakes after mistakes and letting you bleed more and more. I know how hard it is for you. I may have never felt it, but I just know how hard it is. But the damage is done. And life goes on.

I can't wait for the moment you'll meet your right girl. 50% of myself tells me that it won't be me. I don't know if I will ever be invited to your wedding. But I know she'll make you happy then. And to know that you're happy makes me happy. And that is enough.

I hate this part of me yet I can't do anything about it. It's like half of me want to, yet another half doesn't. I have a battle within myself that I wouldn't want anyone to get involved in. I think this is enough for now.